The Mickel Therapy Clinic, Auckland, Mickel Therapy - contact Kim or book a session
by Dr David Mickel
Many of our clients find constructive communication of their feelings a challenge. This of course stands to reason as it usually involves voicing negative feelings back to someone who has made us unhappy in some way and that someone will rarely be appreciative of such honesty. Mickel Therapy knows that the suppression of our valid primary e-motions leads to ill-health so what then do we teach our clients to make this easier for them? We would like to offer some tips in this article as it is an area that produces many questions from those embarking on Mickel Therapy.
The first thing to accept is that what we term primary e-motions or body e-motions arise spontaneously through no fault of our own. They are never the result of wrong or negative thinking patterns and so cannot be changed by positive attitude change or analysis. We are only responsible for how we respond to them in terms of our actions as these are true choices that we make. There are 3 ways that we handle e-motions: we suppress them = dis-ease, we destructively express them in actions and words = dramatic scenes = dis-ease and finally what Mickel Therapy teaches clients is constructive handling = a return to ease...eventually.
Now, before we look at some MT tips, please understand that communication does not always need to be verbal. Indeed a wise saying rings true here and that is that "actions speak louder than words". So communication can often be viewed as an optional tool when dealing with difficult situations as many of our clients have learned.
So let's look at what works and what doesn't when situations arise that require constructive communication. Judgement or blame (even if based on truth) are rarely helpful. So avoid pointing the finger of blame and talk instead about how a 'situation' has made you feel rather than the person involved.
It can also be helpful to show your understanding that your e-motions are not your fault by saying something like "here's how I feel - I wish I didn't but I do." Constructive communication in this way is often best followed up by a request for a change in someone's behaviour in any given situation, so don't forget to use the magic word 'please'. Because everyone has freedom of choice this request is exactly that and we have no control over what that person will choose to do and there may come a point where further discussion is going to be fruitless and indeed lead to heated exchange. This is where we would remind you that actions speak louder than words and it is okay to agree to disagree without any drama. Well-being insists that we empower our primary e-motions whether with words or not. This gives rise to Mickel Therapy's 3 A's philosophy. In simple terms these are:
Awareness - of primary body e-motions
Acceptance - whether you like the e-motion or not
Action - a constructive and empowering choice based on the above.
If you want to test the best form of communication then try a day in silence while showing your feelings through choice of action without any words...